I’m a night owl, except for the nights when I go to bed with the sun. I’m an early riser, except for the days when I snooze until the McDonald’s menu changes from breakfast to lunch. Basically, I’m saying I’m inconsistent.
And because of that, I don’t get up to see the crumbsnatchers off to school. Knowing that teenagers will take advantage of opportunities afforded by lazy parents, I think ahead. At the start of each semester, I prepare notes the crumbsnatchers can choose from if they decide they don’t want to take responsibility to get their drowsy derrieres to school on time.
I realize school is almost out for summer, but here’s a sampling:
1) Please excuse ____________________ tardiness. His/Her sheets were so dirty we had to de-flea this morning. Yes, the sheets. Not the student, but feel free to check him/her upon arrival.
2) Please excuse ____________________ tardiness. He/She was dreaming about unicorns pooping rainbows and butterflies. I read a lot of Dr. Seuss to him/her before bedtime.
3) Please excuse ____________________ tardiness. He/She ate an entire box of Brown Sugar and Cinnamon Pop Tarts before bed and sat up all night tweeting things like “#Poptarts #sugar #high”
4) Please excuse ____________________ tardiness. He/She was feeling ill and wanted to stay home but I don’t want their germs so I dragged him/her from under the covers, loaded him/her up with cold meds and sent them on their way. Three hours ago.
5) Please excuse ____________________ tardiness. He/She claimed it was Saturday but I never flipped my calendar and I still say it’s Friday. If it actually is Saturday, then please disregard the necessity for a tardy excuse and heap praise on him/her for Monday’s early arrival.
My method also works to hold absences to a bare minimum.
1) Please excuse ____________________ absence yesterday. He/She had explosive diarrhea that ran us completely out of the house. Have you ever smelled a town with a paper mill and a skunk preserve? Kind of like that, only worse.
2) Please excuse ____________________ absence yesterday. After a thorough interrogation and lie detector test by local FBI, he/she was cleared of all suspicion of being a Russian spy.
3) Please excuse ____________________ absence yesterday. He/She ate my last Klondike bar and was hiding in his/her closet all day.
4) Please excuse ____________________ absence yesterday. He/She had a cereal hangover after eating an entire box of Frosted Flakes doused with chocolate milk.
5) Please excuse ____________________ absence yesterday. He/She died from embarrassment about something stupid that happened the previous school day, then had an out-of-body experience where he/she saw all the people that wanted to follow them on Instagram! It brought him/her back to life. It’s a miracle!
Which one is your favorite excuse, and what pre-written excuse would you write? I need to stockpile for the “Senioritis” attacks we expect from Wolfy and Sweet Pea when they return to school in August.
Crumbsnatcher Tales 