What do ceiling height, truck mileage, and grenade shrapnel have in common? Give up? They are all things that could potentially involve crumb snatchers in our household! If you know me, and you know my family, you would probably find it hard to believe that I’m having some difficulty figuring out what to write about today. On the other hand, you might guess that the difficulty is coming from figuring out which story to write about, given that these crumb snatchers provide me with more than adequate fodder for this blog. Which is a really good thing since I officially joined the Post a Week Challenge today! And then I received a text from Chief Money Maker, out of town again on one of those important business trips, and I couldn’t help but laugh at the insanity that is our life. Our conversation is pictured below, but it went like this:
ME: 12:03 PM “Are our ceilings 8 or 9 feet?”
ME: 3:12 PM “How many miles did you say were on the truck?”
ME: 6:06 PM “Does a grenade have shrapnel in it?”
CMM: 7:33 PM “I think. 9 Ft ceilings. 105k no on truck. & most grenades have shrapnel. What a bizarre set of questions.” (Complete with his fat fingered keyboard mistakes!)
Now I can only imagine what Chief Money Maker was thinking when he got out of training and read this trio of questions. And since I know he sometimes talks out loud to himself, I can imagine it went something like this, “Is my wife losing it again? Have the crumb snatchers driven her to purchase grenades? Have the crumb snatchers purchased grenades? Does she need to know how tall the ceilings are so she can calculate how many grenades fit in a room? Did one of the crumb snatchers fall through the ceiling again? Are the crumb snatchers making bombs again? And where is my truck that she can’t look at the odometer herself???” All perfectly reasonable questions, at least for our household.
First of all – I know, this part is going to be hard for you to believe but – I do occasionally lose it. And the crumb snatchers know I can lose it as well, and that isn’t such a bad thing. There was one particular day when Gummi Bear crumb snatcher had driven poor Mama Bread Baker to the brink of insanity and I snapped like a bungee cord with a one thousand pound Sumo wrestler jumping from the Empire State Building! I call it my “I lost time” moment, a common complaint of those suffering from multiple personality disorders, and a line from the excellent movie “Primal Fear” starring the ever sexy Richard Gere.
All I remember from the time I regained consciousness was the silence in the house, the look on Chief Money Maker and Gummi Bear’s face, and the rest of the crumb snatchers huddled together in the man cave like a bunch of refugees from Cuba in a row boat caught in a hurricane in the Atlantic Ocean! Oh yeah, and Chief Money Maker’s nephew was here and he quietly departed the house in the midst of my episode (that’s how we refer to it now) seeking the safety and shelter of his own home. He apparently, however, was quite impressed by my “going HAM” abilities. He told his mother, “Mama Bread Baker rocks!” Gummi Bear and I patched things up later that evening, given that his primary concern was whether or not I would still make him a hot breakfast in the morning!
And yes, Chief Money Maker would also have every reason to wonder if the crumb snatchers were making bombs….again. On our commute home from work one day, we received a call from one of the crumb snatchers (herein to remain nameless due to his witness protection agreement in return for his snitching) alerting us to some odd activity by Gummi Bear and Wolfy. We arrived home to observe small round BB-like pellets, a white powder, and some rather guilty looking crumb snatchers holding lighters in our driveway. Upon interrogation by Chief Money Maker, the guilty parties admitted to filling containers with ball bearings and baby powder (for a cool “poof” effect) and then lighting them with fire crackers. Yes, folks, this is in essence a bomb. I blame You Tube for their degeneracy! Just do a search on it for baby powder bombs.
We brought them inside to discuss the seriousness of their actions. The two somberly sat at the table, while Chief Money Maker returned to the garage to perform the crime scene analysis, and collect and bag the evidence. While waiting, I asked the two, “Were you both born stupid? Or do you just practice very hard?” Ok, so once again, I realized my parenting skills needed a little tweaking and I apologized for the question and began speaking to them about how their actions could have harmed them or someone else. Then Chief Money Maker entered the kitchen and said, “You two are dumb@$$es!” Ok, maybe my parenting skills weren’t so off target after all!
So, as you can tell, it isn’t so farfetched for Chief Money Maker’s imagination to run wild when receiving a trio of such questions while out of town. To make matters worse, Sweet Pea and I were in the movie theater when Chief Money Maker responded, and he had to wait two and a half hours before receiving an explanation for the odd combination of requested information. When I finally spoke with him, he was quite relieved to learn that the house was still standing, the truck was still in our possession, and neither the crumb snatchers nor I, had been igniting grenades. Mama Bread Baker was simply gathering auto insurance quotes, home owner’s quotes, and utilizing grenades as an analogy in another writing project. But hey, no reason he shouldn’t have to sweat it out a little. He does leave me at home alone with sanity snapping-bomb making crumb snatchers!
© CThacker 2011