In crime scene analysis, detectives are trying to answer the questions of who, what, why, when, and how? That happens at our house too…a lot. The most recent mystery involved a strange substance on the wall in our living room. On Sunday, as I stood in the kitchen gazing into the great room, musing about what would best adorn the large empty space above the windows, my eyes fell upon an unfamiliar spot. Now granted, I have spent months trying to determine the best way to decorate the space, but that quarter sized spot wasn’t quite what I had in mind for home décor. And I was pretty sure this wall had just been recently “decorated” by the unfamiliar spot.
My mind ran through the normal questions that people would ask in a situation like this. What is that? How did it get there? Etc., etc., etc. Actually, I’m lying. My first thought was, “What the hell have the crumb snatchers done NOW?” And the investigation began.
“We’ve got a mystery to solve,” I yelled to Chief Money Maker.
Mumbling to himself, “What the hell is it this time?” he entered the kitchen and I pointed out the spot. “I’ll go get the crime scene kit.”
He climbed the ladder identifying the curious spot to be about ten feet high. Next, we took pictures of the matter before removal. “Is it a bug?” I asked.
“Doesn’t appear to be,” he replied.
As I climbed up the ladder to take the crime scene photos, it reminded me of something I had just recently cleaned from our kitchen floor. “I swear that looks like pizza sauce!”
By this time, Aunt Sassy (Chief Money Maker’s sister) had dropped by, as she often does when she needs to be amused and once again we didn’t fail her, and she asked, “What in heaven’s name are you doing?” Only she used more choice words than that.
We explained that we were crime solving and she took pictures as I bagged and tagged the evidence, making sure the chain of evidence was properly documented. We sent the evidence off to the lab for scientific testing. We received the results about two minutes later.
“Mmmmm, yep, it’s pizza sauce!” Chief Money Maker notified us.
I scored highly on my ACT and attended Ole Miss, Chief Money Maker has his Masters degree, and Aunt Sassy worked her way through college earning her Bachelor’s degree, yet not one of us could come up with a logical explanation of how one single lone solitary spot of pizza sauce could end up ten feet high on our living room wall. However, we are well enough educated to know that if we asked the crumb snatchers, they would blame it on Not Me…again.
Aunt Sassy suggested that we have a contest giving each crumb snatcher the opportunity to come up with the most creative explanation of how pizza sauce ended up in that particular spot. We also hoped that somewhere in their zeal to win the contest, we would glean the truth of this episode, because this stuff is just too hard to make up! Brilliant, we thought! A ten dollar Yogurt Mountain gift certificate was now at stake for the winner.
Wolfy was first to offer up his creative explanations. There was no limit to the number of scenarios they could offer; again hoping we would glean the truth somewhere in their explanations.
Wolfy explanation one: A fly landed in my pizza. I didn’t see it. The fly flew away covered in pizza sauce and landed on the wall. (Chief Money Maker decided this scenario wasn’t the truth, as the spot was about one inch in diameter. Maybe if it were a Texas fly?)
Wolfy explanation two: Elves had a food fight with pizza rolls. (Chief Money Maker contemplated this theory, but laser analysis based on the average height of an elf placed the most likely point of impact at seven, not ten, feet.)
Wolfy explanation three: Mama Bread Baker put the pizza sauce on the wall so she would have something to write about. (This theory was immediately discounted as Chief Money Maker didn’t want to be hit upside his head with a cast iron skillet by Mama Bread Baker. Not to mention that it most likely would have been a bon bon stain if I had planted it myself!)
The Eldest had this scenario: I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but Gummi Bear did it. (Chief Money Maker considered this theory as a plausible truth, but Gummi Bear had a pretty solid alibi for the time frame in which we believe the crime occurred. For once.)
The Nephew gave this explanation: There was a clan of Chinese midget ninjas known as the Yumgudi. The Yumgudi are notorious ninja thieves who break into homes, solely to steal their food and goodies. On one particular night, they were on a quest for pizza rolls. After finding a location (our house), they struck. Silently and stealthily sneaking into our house, they headed toward the freezer, only to find their rival clan, the Nogudi with the pizza rolls in hand! After an epic battle, both clans had but one ninja left, and both decided to split what was left of the pizza rolls, and to clean up the mess of battle. The two ninjas were just about done when they heard someone open a door and had to vanish early, leaving behind one tiny clue to the epic battle of the pizza rolls. (I found this theory to be quite reasonable, as it would also explain the numerous bumps, thumps, and yells of “Owwwww” that I hear drifting down the stairs in the middle of the night. Chief Money Maker discounted it based on a previous case in which the Yumgudi’s were found to prefer burritos over pizza rolls.)
Gummi Bear had this theory: Elves came to have a paintball fight, only the paintballs were filled with pizza sauce. The fight began with one shot, and then they realized that’s all they had. The End. (What’s up with their obsession with elves???)
Sweet Pea thinks this happened: Wolfy and Gummi Bear were throwing pizza rolls at each other because Gummi Bear stole one from Wolfy. (Ok, so she decided to work the “most likely scenario” angle rather than the “creative” angle. Kudos for her originality! Chief Money Maker wonders if she is possibly diverting the investigation away from her and her boyfriend, given that she has the detective wrapped around her little pinkie!)
Needless to say, this will most likely be stored away in the “unsolved mysteries of the Thacker Reservation file”, given that the only way to really learn the truth would be to deny food to all crumb snatchers until the offender comes forward. The last time we did that, the lady from Child Protective Services asked that we find another way to get to the bottom of things. Geez, doesn’t she realize that they will eventually get hungry and come forward…or rat out their sibling?
So anyway, I am seeking your help. Please comment and vote for your favorite crumb snatcher explanation. That way we can take them to Yogurt Mountain, dangle all those tasty little flavors and toppings in front of them, and then torture the truth out of them! Hey, we didn’t say they could actually use the gift certificate!
Thanks for stopping by again! Check back for next week’s episode of Unsolved Crumb Snatcher Mysteries!
© 2011 CThacker