How To Survive January With Teenagers: One Woman’s Fantasy

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I want to be the next spokesperson for Southwest Airlines “Wanna Get Away?” campaign.  I haven’t had a moments peace in weeks.  With few outside activities, the crumb snatchers are here alllllllllllllllllll the time.  I know come March, I will write a blog complaining that I haven’t had a moments rest.  Softball, baseball, and soccer will be in full swing and I’ll be running around like a mouse with a cat hot on its tail.  Only I’ll be much bigger than a mouse and the cat will be the size of a lion.

Lion at Melbourne Zoo enjoying an elevated gra...

Run Mama Bread Baker Run

My January schedule has developed into a stagnant rut of repetitive days.  I wake up each morning between 6:00 a.m. and 6:30 a.m. to “Arf, Arf.”  Exactly ten second pause.  “Arf, Arf.”  Exactly ten second pause.  “Arf, Arf.”  You get the drift.  I rise and feed the starving dogs that act like they haven’t seen food in days.  Then I clean the kitchen…again.  Overnight, the evil kitchen fairies come and scatter crumbs and cereal, and splatter milk all over the counter before they scurry away to hiding, or get on the bus to go to school.

English: A resin statue of a Fairy in natural ...

Oh NOW you act like a statue!

I then attempt housecleaning while my Velcro dog – a term used to describe extremely needy canines that guard the bathroom door thinking you’ve devised an evil plan to desert them by escaping through the septic system – follows my every move. 

 

English: toilet wc

Like I could REALLY escape through this?!

 

Eventually, I make my way to my office where I attempt to work on my novel, but the characters I’ve created simply stand around in my head laughing at my attempts to plot a serious murder. So instead of outlining the gruesome details of the horrific murder that befalls my arrogant and manipulative antagonist, I’ve begun creating a business plan for a new Mommy Day Care.  This will be a little different than your normal spa-like treatment that most of us with children that drive us to the brink of insanity can’t afford anyway.  This would be a cooperative effort of stressed out mothers of teenagers.

Upon arrival, each mother will receive a gift basket containing a prepared dinner for the evening.  Magically – and it can only be accomplished by magic – it will be a dish that everyone in the household actually likes.  You will then spend your morning playing make believe games like, “What I Could Have Been If I Never Had Children,” and “What In The World Am I Going To Do With All This Time On My Calendar?” 

Next, we’ll relax on a chaise lounge where we can read several pages of a novel in one sitting while soothing music with no references to pimps or hoes – why do they rap about garden tools anyway – drifts through the air.  In the afternoon, we’ll be allowed to go to a pantry where we will delightfully discover snack items that didn’t simply evaporate into thin air.  At the end of the day, we’ll be dismissed with a lovely macaroni-framed calendar, made during craft time, which counts down the days until the last child graduates.

It seems, as I reread what I’ve typed, that I have a good handle on fiction writing after all.  I just need to switch my genre to fantasy.  I love the crumb snatchers, I really do.  Spring will come soon and I’ll be cheering them on in their various efforts.  In the meantime, if you are struggling, as I am, with finding a ray of hope in a teenage filled household, I would love to hear your ideas and comments for Mommy Day Care.  And if you find a good two-for-one getaway vacation deal, call me.

Boeing 737-3H4

Bermuda Triangle anyone?

 

© 2012 CThacker

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