I forgot to take my anti-psychotic medication one day and I volunteered to chaperone six teenage girls on a softball trip to Gulf Shores this weekend. The voices in my head told me to do it. Those silly voices—they’re a hoot with their practical jokes. Now I have to go fill my Xanax prescription to quiet them.
That whole “Just Say No” to volunteering campaign led by First Lady Nancy Reagan was obviously a complete failure. I can understand why she started that campaign though because I’m sure she had a lot more requests to volunteer her time than I do. What’s that you say? It was “Just Say No” to drugs? Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I also volunteered for G-Bear’s career fair at school. The students will visit tables to learn how to become firemen, policemen, astronauts, and professional liars—also known as political candidates. I’ll tell them how they can write about those things. And provide them with my writer’s guide—“Surviving on a Writer’s Income: 99 Ways to Prepare Ramen Noodles.” I’m considering offering my follow up edition as well—“How to Hone Your Fast Food Fry Making Skills”—but don’t want to overwhelm them with information.
Chief Money Maker also volunteered for the career fair. Since I have no clue what he does, I’m not sure how he’s going to help a bunch of seventh graders understand either.
CMM: “I work for HP.”
STUDENT: “Cool, so do you make computers?”
CMM: “No, I design strategic plans for large corporations to integrate and manage their internal data structures and technology needs through continued support and help centers.”
STUDENT: “Where’s the table with the pamphlet on honing your fry making skills?”
Volunteering is simply part of parenting. If you don’t volunteer yourself, your children will volunteer for you. They do this because they don’t want to feel left out, and because they have deep-seeded resentment that they passively aggressively act out on by volunteering you and then informing you of such approximately 14 minutes and 23 seconds before you have to perform your duty.
I have to cut this short today because I just received a text that my Xanax is ready and I have to start preparing to leave at 5 a.m. tomorrow morning for Gulf Shores. This means I’ll get to bed at 3 a.m. after running around all day getting prepared for the trip while Sweet Pea does nothing but ask, “Does this swimsuit make my butt look big?”
Pray for me. Pray hard.
Tell about the craziest thing you’ve volunteered for…or your crumb snatchers have volunteered you for.
© 2012 CThacker