Calgon Take Me Away!

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  • Prom Dress:                                           A second mortgage
  • Getting Sweet Pea’s “her did”:          A day’s salary WITH a 50% off coupon
  • Manicure/Pedicure:                            56,944.57 yen–before tip
  • Bottle of wine:                                       $13.79*
  • Locking keys in van:                            Remaining sanity & a Xanax
  • Seeing Sweet Pea off to prom with The Boyfriend:

                                                    PRICELESS

*Wine was for ME–not the underage Prom-goers

Last Saturday saw the culmination of four month’s worth of preparation that involved more planning than required to establish the government of a small country.  It started in January with the search for the perfect prom dress, and Chief Money Maker’s second mortgage application to pay for it.

Then we moved along to the search for the perfect shoes that would be worn for pictures then promptly kicked off for the remaining three hours of the prom.

Then onto the search for hairstyles which lasted about a month and generated conversations like this:

  • ME:  That’s very pretty Sweet Pea, but her hair is about 8 inches longer than yours.
  • SWEET PEA: But I’m taking Biotin which is supposed to make your hair grow.
  • ME:  Yes, but it’s not Miracle Grow and your hair isn’t a tomato vine!

After all accessories were acquired, the dress was taken in for alterations where I had this conversation with the seamstress:

  • ME:  It’s a bit low-cut.  Can we adjust the neck straps to this length? (I showed her about six inches–female inches, not male inches, because there is a difference you know!)
  • SEAMSTRESS:  Yes m’am I can, but then the bodice would be around her ears and not her…ummm…you know.
  • ME:  Perfect!  How much do I owe you?

The day before the prom we picked up the dress from the seamstress and took it to the dry cleaner to get steamed.  When we hung the dress on the dry cleaner rack, Sweet Pea’s face suddenly drained of all color and she gasped in so much air that she pulled the moon closer to Earth, which is the real cause of the following night’s SuperMoon despite what scientists might believe. 

A perigee-syzygy of the Earth-Moon-Sun system ...

In the transition, the beaded bodice of the dress caught on the hanger pulling approximately 3 of the 4,827 beads out of place–and of course she immediately spotted them.  I then had this conversation:

  • ME:  Sweet Pea, breathe, breathe–somebody get me a paper sack!  She’s hyperventilating!

Finally, it was prom day.  The dress was picked up, with beads intact.  We had a wonderful mother-daughter bonding experience getting manicures and pedicures.  The next appointment gave Sweet Pea flowing curly locks, and movie star make up.  All that was left now was to go home, dress, and take pictures.  And then the universe stood still……..

I HAD LOCKED MY KEYS IN THE VAN

The rest of the afternoon was a blur but I remember bits and pieces of the conversations:

  • ME:  Oh gawd, oh gawd, please don’t cry, please don’t cry…I just paid to have your makeup done!
  • ME:  Let’s wait in here where it’s cooler until I can get in touch with Chief Money Maker.
  • SWEET PEA:  Mom!  It’s a hot wings joint!  I’ll smell like chicken at my prom!
  • ME:  Oh gawd, oh gawd, please don’t cry, please don’t cry…I just paid to have your makeup done!
  • SWEET PEA:  How could you do this to me????  You’ve ruined my life!
  • ME:  Oh gawd, oh gawd, please don’t cry, please don’t cry…I just paid to have your makeup done!
  • ME:  Chief Money Maker, get up here RIGHT NOW.  I’ve locked the keys in the van.
  • CHIEF MONEY MAKER:  Oh gawd, oh gawd, please don’t cry, please don’t cry…you’ll make Sweet Pea cry and you just paid to have her makeup done!

We finally made it home, got Sweet Pea dressed, pictures made, and we shoved her and The Boyfriend out the door. 

The Boyfriend’s mother and I sat down at the table with a sigh of relief and enjoyed a glass of wine.  Everything had worked out well, and I was satisfied that I had covered everything that needed to be done, until I received this call:

  • SWEET PEA:  MOM!  How do I go to the bathroom in this dress?

Sometimes I wish I had all boys!

© 2012 CThacker

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2 thoughts on “Calgon Take Me Away!

  1. I so remember the Calgon tagline and commercials.
    Thank you for resurrecting that long put away memory. 😉
    I’m a few years out from prom night. From this post, I should probably begin planning now, mentally.

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