I’m a proponent of year-round schools. Now before you start whining that without a full summer break Little Johnny and Suzie won’t be able to hunt frogs, or discover that they have different parts “down there,” or get gunned down in a drive-by shooting, let me speak. Before you complain that Tommy Jr. won’t be able to sit around all day shooting zombies while talking on his headset with some 48 year-old pedophile still living in his mother’s basement, hear me out.
Year-round schools are in session the same number of days as traditional schools. The only difference is that the breaks are spread out differently; minimizing the amount of time they remain at home driving you insane. Are you feeling me now? It also allows for more time to process your 401K loan to restock the pantry before their next break.
The crumb snatchers have been out of school for 3 weeks, 5 days, 20 hours, 26 minutes, and 48 seconds—give or take a few seconds depending on internet speed at time of posting. In that timeframe, my writing has been interrupted 3,827 times. The front door has been opened 1,794 times. And Unilever stock has risen solely due to the crumb snatcher’s consumption of Fudgsicles. In my opinion, that is time better served in biology learning euphemisms for the anatomically correct names of female parts that apparently can no longer be said on the congressional floor.
When the crumb snatchers return in August, they will spend the first few weeks reviewing what they forgot from the last few weeks of the previous year. Sweet Pea recently asked if beef jerky was made from deer meat. Granted, she transferred from Mississippi to Tennessee in the middle of her freshman year, knocking her out of sync with the whole southern teachings of wild game and how to eat them. But I’m sure, had she been in year-round school, she would have been taught the distinction.
G-Bear was bored so he researched how to build a paintball gun with PVC pipe and medicine bottles. I found our medications scattered all over the bathroom counter. I’m suspicious that my hormone medication was interchanged with Chief Money Maker’s little blue pills. For the last three weeks he’s done nothing but watch Lifetime movies while complaining that I never listen to him. Meanwhile, I’ve gained 20 pounds from sitting at the bar drinking beer all day. When I come home, I throw him my sexiest look, burp, and ask if he wants to “get busy.” He just starts crying. This tragedy could have been avoided had G-Bear been in year-round school.
We had a plan of action to minimize the impact of the crumb snatchers being home all summer. We decided to have a swimming pool built so our threats of drowning them would be taken a little more seriously than they were in previous summers. But since that project is coming to fruition about as quickly as peace in the Middle East, I think it’s time to load up the crumb snatchers, drop them off at the contractors house and tell him I’ll pick them up when the pool is done. I can ga-ron-teee that’ll put some pep in his step.
Year-round school not only leads to healthier, well-adjusted children, it also minimizes co-pays for Xanax prescriptions. No Child Left Behind and Obomacare wrapped into one—it’s a win-win situation.
I have to go now. I just heard the last wrapper removed from a Fudgsicle and Chief Money Maker is crying that no one ever thinks about him. I need more beer.
© 2012 CThacker