I Can See The Headline Now: Woman Training for 2016 Olympics Eaten by Shark


I’ve become the Forrest Gump of our swimming pool.  My family stands poolside chanting “Swim, Mama  Bread Baker, Swim” while I glide through the water.  They do this because I just learned to hold my breath for longer than a nanosecond—and because they wonder who will feed them if I drown.

With my newfound breath holding talent, I’ve decided to train for swimming events in the next Olympic Games.  The crumb snatchers said, “Wayyyyy cool.  Do they have the Senior Olympics every year?”  Their rehabilitation appointments to learn to walk again really cut into my training time.

Enjoy the Olympic Games on Samsung 3D Smart TV...

We’ll be right back to our blog posting after a brief commercial break….Enjoy the Olympic Games on Samsung 3D Smart TV with SBS London 2012 App (Photo credit: samsungtomorrow)

Chief Money Maker, a former lifeguard and seasoned beach partier, is my trainer.  I told Chief to train me just like he would Michael Phelps—only without the marijuana.  I’ve learned how to execute the freestyle stroke while simultaneously opening a beer for him.    My ultimate goal is to compete in the triathlon, as long as someone else can do the cycling and running part.

In our training sessions we’ve discovered a minor issue we need to work around.  My Body Marshmallow Index—or what doctors refer to as BMI—is a bit high.  It causes my derriere to act as a flotation device pulling me to the surface.  <I like roasted marshmallows, marshmallow crème, marshmallow pie, mini marshmallows, fried marshmallows…..> 

On the bright side, the next time the flight attendant tells me I can use my seat cushion as a flotation device, I’ll tell her I brought my own.  Now I can also replace my irrational fear of drowning at sea with the more rational fear of being eaten by a shark while I float at sea.  

PhotonQ-Two Sharks and one Barracuda waiting f...

Two Sharks and one Barracuda waiting for…what ? And why am I at sea to begin with? Did my plane make a water landing?

 I’ve discovered that swimming is great exercise and burns a lot of calories.  For every hour I leisurely swim, my body is burning 556 calories.  That’s 76 more calories burned than three cups of wine consumed.  At this rate, according to my calculations, I should lose about 1.13 pounds annually, helping to lower my Body Marshmallow Index.  <…boiled marshmallows, marshmallow soufflé, marshmallow salad, chocolate marshmallow eggs…>

As always, I’ve used my newfound goals as “teaching moments” for the crumb snatchers.  I found something that interests me and I’ve set my sights on the lofty goal of Olympic competition—senior status aside.  I’m working hard, training, and dedicating myself to a diet and exercise routine that will help me accomplish those goals.  So the “teachable moment” here is that when I’m on my floating raft with a wine glass in hand and I say, “Not now Sweetie…Mommy’s training,” then get the heck inside and leave me alone!

My Mama always said, “Life is like a bottle of wine.  Sometimes you can get the cork out, and sometimes you just have to shove it down into the bottle.”  That doesn’t really have anything to do with my post.  I just couldn’t get my wine bottle opener to work properly.  <…marshmallow peeps, marshmallow fudge, marshmallow crispy treats, marshmallow marble cake…>

Wine opening cat

Maybe evil stalker kitty sabotaged my opener!Wine opening cat (Photo credit: ninanord)

I hope I’ll be able to keep up my blog posts while vigorously swim training.  I’ve asked my trainer to set some new goals for me to keep me motivated.  Next week we’ll work on holding my breath UNDER water.  <…marshmallow delights, marshmallow tarts…>

© 2012 CThacker


40 thoughts on “I Can See The Headline Now: Woman Training for 2016 Olympics Eaten by Shark

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  4. I am also in training, though working on upper body strength. I find a vigorous workout using the martini shaker does wonders for pool side sessions..

  5. Didn’t know we had so much talent in the Thacker family. A drill bit and a pair of pliers work great for wine corks of course you then have to drain the wine through a coffee filter to get the rubber pieces out of the wine. Had to do this on a camping trip. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

  6. This post was very entertaining. I had to read it twice. 🙂
    You’re not alone with the Body Marshmallow Index but I’m pretty swimming will be a great tool for it. I don’t know how to swim though. Keep it up! 🙂

    • Although having a high Body Marshmallow Index does have the flotation advantages, my Dr. reminded me that it is NOT a joking matter. With a higher BMI, I’m subject to being mistaken as an acceptable mate for that giant Michelin man!

  7. You need to learn how to float and swim on your back. Then you can balance your laptop on your tummy and keep your blogs up to date.
    Maybe use a couple of air-filled wine boxes to support your head so you can see the screen.

  8. Fabulously hilarious, and oh so true for a dieting anyone. Right now I am fighting a wheat belly and may even try your idea of training for the Olympics. Great job!

  9. didn’t understand any of it cos i’m just a kid, but i can see (looking at the comments) that it’s really good! And I would probably think that if i understood it! 🙂

  10. This is hilarious! I can’t swim but I can dive, I can’t float myself. 😛 Basically, i cant swim. Fun to see someone able to do something that I am yet to succeed. Love the marshmallows!

  11. Last night, I drank wine from a box. For the first time. EVER. So I have a HUGE appreciation for the fact that you referenced “three cups of wine” in this post. I realize that was probably “cups” for the sake of actual, you know, measurement…but still, I felt I had a kindred wine-soaked spirit in my midst. Because yes, I drank wine. From a box. In a cup.

    I’m ALL class…

    • Yes, I did drink it from a cup. It also had a lid and a straw to keep the pool water from contaminating it. I make a lot of sacrifices for my training, my kindred wine-soaked spirit friend.

  12. Omg – i’m dying. Waaaay funny!!!! Love the marshmallows, now training to breathe UNDER water, and pushing the cork down into the bottle even though that has nothing to do with your post. And the training with wine on the raft. Ya gotta be looking in my window! That’s talent.

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