Are you there God? It’s me—Mama Bread Baker—and I’ve got some questions for you.
I’m a woman of faith. I don’t do “religion.” I opt for “relationship” in my spiritual life, so I talk to God. And now I talk to our cat. Which I think God sent because He was tired of me constantly bugging Him when He has more important things to do like (hopefully) help director Peter Jackson get “The Hobbit” right.
So being a woman with a genetic DNA strain that causes me to perpetually draft lists—sometimes in Excel workbooks so they can be color-coded, sorted, and hidden when I don’t want to do/see/purchase whatever is on the list—I’ve started compiling a list of questions to ask God when I reach the hereafter.
1) Why do we call it “the hereafter?” Is it going to be here? ‘Cause I’m really hoping it’s there even though Chief Money Maker wants it here so he can get more use out of the swimming pool he put in last summer. Just between You and me, I say if Chief thinks he’s going to need the swimming pool to cool off in the hereafter, he’s headed in a different direction than I.
2) Seriously…there’s a human soul inside my cat, right? I’ve never owned a cat until this summer when I figured out that no one has ever owned a cat. (If a cat has ever moved into your home, then there is no explanation needed for my desire to have an answer to this question.)
3) Menopause was the REAL punishment for Eve’s apple pie making disobedience, right? What’s that God? What do I think is the answer? Well, obviously it’s menopause since the symptoms can last for years and the partner of ANY woman going through menopause also suffers through picking tiny shards of shattered kitchen dishes from their forehead for saying, “Good morning, Honey. Is coffee ready?” What’s that? Oh……the tiny shards of glass thing only happened to Chief? My bad.
4) Why did You make teenagers hungry all the time? I promise I’m not questioning Your infinite wisdom and awesomeness, but couldn’t You have designed that portion of the life cycle to occur at a less financially pressing time? Instead of when we have to purchase athletic equipment, prom dresses, class rings, yearbooks, graduation invitations, etc.? Maybe like when they move out and have to buy their OWN groceries?
5) If you gifted me with creative talent, an awesome sense of humor, and a witty way with words, why wouldn’t you send an agent or publisher to discover me, offering up a fabulous book deal so I can flaunt it before those mean girls from high school that read my column and say things like “isn’t that soooooo cute”? Yes, I realize I’m being whiney and ungrateful, but I picked the habit up from the crumb snatchers!
I’m sure I’ll add more to my list before I permanently log out of Lifebook, so feel free to ask your questions in the comment section and I’ll tack them on. Meanwhile…I’ll just chat with the cat.
© 2012 CThacker