An Asterisk to Dave Barry’s Colonoscopy Essay

11 Comments

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, only this time while sober.  I want to be Dave Barry—without the man parts.  As a new writer, I kept hearing over and over in my head the mantra “write what you know.”  Actually, it was Chief repeating it over and over in my ear because he was tired of the sight of me in front of my computer wearing only a bathrobe and a blank stare.  I looked around at the fodder my family provided.  Bingo!  I’d write about them.

I posted my first piece and everyone praised my humor skills.  It was a serious piece, and since I didn’t purvey that tone, I decided it might be better if I hone in on the funny.

So I went to the library and came across Miami Herald’s humor columnist Dave Barry’s books.  I checked a few out and curled up in bed that night to read.  The man is exceptionally gifted, or really warped, or has access to some really good hallucinogenic drugs, and I couldn’t stop laughing.  Suddenly, I recalled I’d read his colonoscopy essay and I knew this man would now, and forever be, my humor idol because anyone that can turn that experience into a laugh is worthy of worship.

Basically I’m saying I blame Dave Barry for my humor writing career.

English: Dave Barry Русский: Дэйв Барри

Doesn’t he just LOOK like he’d be funny?  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last week, on the eve of my second colonoscopy, I treated myself to another read of Dave’s colonoscopy essay right before I downed my own MoviPrep concoction—a nuclear laxative as Dave describes—mixed  with margarita flavored Crystal Light.

Sipping margaritas on the patio of El Patron will never be the same since I ruined the happening by associating an intoxicating experience with the toxic tribulation trial of MoviPrep.  I swear I passed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich I ate in third grade and next Thursday’s dinner menu which hasn’t yet been consumed.

English: A peanut butter and jelly sandwich, m...

It may or may not have been in this form.  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Two hours later, as I sat leaning forward as far as possible on the porcelain portal, I realized Dave’s experience wasn’t exactly the same as mine. Dave has a handy-dandy picnic gadget—I assume but I haven’t fact-checked the information—to use for other elimination functions not involving MoviPrep.

For a female going Number #1, when your delicate nether region has been awakened like a snoozing volcano,  is like pouring gasoline on top of lighter fluid on top of a raging forest fire.

According to Chief, the sounds that came from the bathroom sounded like a wild animal trapped in a raging forest fire while someone poured gasoline on top of lighter fluid on top of the fire.

Maybe I’ll rethink those man parts after all.

So here’s Mama Bread Baker’s public service announcement for 2013.  If you’re over 50 (which I’m not in number but apparently I am in “colon-age”) get your screening.  It can save your life.

© 2013 CThacker

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11 thoughts on “An Asterisk to Dave Barry’s Colonoscopy Essay

  1. I made the mistake of trying to read Dave Barry’s Sunday columns to my family years ago. It was a Kleenex box’s worst nightmare. You could hear about every third word between the gurgling noises as I was choking on snot and tears. Love your blog!

  2. Dave Barry has long been my personal hero. I remember his first column about road sucking quite fondly.

    And because I have serious GI issues I get to have an ANNUAL colonoscopy. It’s not that big of a deal. Really. Better than using a Nettie pot!

    • Are you kidding me? I LOVE my nettie pot. Sweet Pea, when she was in 3rd grade, even asked if I could come to her school as a “science project” and show how the water goes “up in my head and out the other side if my nose!” Lol

      • Ewwwwww.

        My husband and I were in a pharmacy when we lived in Switzerland, looking for decongestants. They offered us a “lavage de nez” and we thought, I guess that’s what we want, nose wash sounds sort of right.

        Then we saw the color picture.

        Be careful of them. Seriously. They can hold harmful bacteria that you can shoot up into your nose, right next to your brain.

      • Thank you for the heads up Elyse. I don’t use mine very often. I think I may be immune to bacteria though since I get inoculated every time I walk into one of the crumbsnatchers rooms!

  3. At the risk of making your head swell up so much that you can’t leave the room, I want to say that you make me laugh as much and as snortingly as Dave Barry (of whom I am also a huge fan). I have to be careful where I read your posts. Keep up the good work! (And thanks for the most creative public service announcement I’ve ever read.)

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