I’ve committed THE cardinal sin among women. I missed a Friday night Bunco group where I was to serve as a sub, and death was not my reason. This faux paus shelved my dreams of being inaugurated as the newest member of this elite society.
I wish I’d had a better reason for missing, like Dipsomania, but then again most Bunco group members suffer from that anyway.
[Editor’s note: A complete description of all mentioned diseases is included at the bottom of this post]
The texts started coming in at 7:05 pm. I didn’t see them until well after 9:00 pm, and then it took almost an hour before I could recover from the embarrassment enough to respond. During that time, I ran through my options.
I could explain my absence by stating a family member had permanently logged out of Lifebook. But despite the fact it wasn’t true, I feared living with years of guilt if the person I chose for their untimely demise actually DID demise. I contemplated putting the blame on a sick crumbsnatcher, but much like the first excuse, I was petrified one would actually get sick. Then I’d spend the next few days yelling at them to keep their filthy germs in their filthy rooms where they belong.
I browsed strange diseases that might come and go fleetingly, leaving no signs of previous illness. Saturday Night Palsy wouldn’t do since it was too closely related to Dipsomania. I couldn’t go with Lanchonophobia because I was pretty sure at least two people saw me munching on carrots at the last Bunco gathering.
I’d composed a text with an apology and an explanation that I was suffering from Jumping Frenchmen of Maine which could cause me to injure another player. Plus we’d only have spent the whole night retrieving the dice from the backyard, and who would find that fun? Chief nixed that excuse pretty quickly reminding me that I was already known in the area as the “Hoochie-Mama who passed out on the bank in her heels at a Catfish Rodeo at 7:00 am in the morning.”
Yeah, I did that right after a bout with Saturday Night Palsy…on a Friday.
If I were a Downtown Abbey watcher, I could have gotten by with an explanation of Empirism.
“What about Formication?” I asked Chief.
“I’m all for it, but I’m not sure the Bunco group would buy it, since you already hinted in your blog that my night is the first Tuesday of every month.”
“Oh yeah. Maybe I shouldn’t be so honest in my blog, huh?”
Being the brilliant man that Chief Money Maker is, he finally suggested I go with the truth. So I did. I admitted that I’d gotten caught up in my writing and totally forgot that it was even Friday night. Then I added this text in hopes that I would be given a Tosh.0 chance at redemption:
“And just so you know…As a writer I could have come up with a much better story but thought it best to stick to the truth as lame as it is.”
In hindsight, I should have added that I’d be willing to come next month and the group could give me Slapped-Face Disease. But then again, I hear it itches like crazy and I just recovered from a bad case of Yeuk.
*Disease Definitions from Inherently Funny
- Dipsomania – An uncontrollable craving for alcohol.
- Empirism – An awful affliction brought on by watching too much BBC; usually manifests in a British accent and a sudden craving for tea
- Formication – A hallucinated sensation that insects or snakes are crawling over your skin.
- Jumping Frenchmen of Maine – A sufferer of this disease displays highly exaggerated movements, and tend to leap out wildly. And despite the unusual name, it really exists.
- Lanchonophobia – The fear of vegetables.
- Saturday Night Palsy – Caused by nerve compression when you pass out in an awkward position.
- Slapped-Face Disease – It’s an actual disease. It looks like you have been slapped everywhere, and it itches like crazy.
- Yeuk – 15th century Middle English word used by the Scots meaning “to itch”. When not used as a verb, it is may be used to identify a particular sensation, i.e. the irritation of nerve endings in skin or mucous membrane that provokes the desire to scratch oneself silly if alone or look for a speedy exit if one is in mixed company. It’s also a popular name for the parasitic disorder “scabies”