“Y” is for: Y Weren’t U @ Skool – 10 Pre-Written Excuses for Teenaged Tardiness/Absence

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Y

I’m a night owl, except for the nights when I go to bed with the sun.  I’m an early riser, except for the days when I snooze until the McDonald’s menu changes from breakfast to lunch. Basically, I’m saying I’m inconsistent.

And because of that, I don’t get up to see the crumbsnatchers off to school.  Knowing that teenagers will take advantage of opportunities afforded by lazy parents, I think ahead.  At the start of each semester, I prepare notes the crumbsnatchers can choose from if they decide they don’t want to take responsibility to get their drowsy derrieres to school on time.

I realize school is almost out for summer, but here’s a sampling:

1)      Please excuse ____________________ tardiness.  His/Her sheets were so dirty we had to de-flea this morning.  Yes, the sheets.  Not the student, but feel free to check him/her upon arrival.

2)      Please excuse ____________________ tardiness.  He/She was dreaming about unicorns pooping rainbows and butterflies.  I read a lot of Dr. Seuss to him/her before bedtime.

3)      Please excuse ____________________ tardiness.  He/She ate an entire box of Brown Sugar and Cinnamon Pop Tarts before bed and sat up all night tweeting things like “#Poptarts #sugar #high”

4)      Please excuse ____________________ tardiness.  He/She was feeling ill and wanted to stay home but I don’t want their germs so I dragged him/her from under the covers, loaded him/her up with cold meds and sent them on their way.  Three hours ago.

5)      Please excuse ____________________ tardiness.  He/She claimed it was Saturday but I never flipped my calendar and I still say it’s Friday.  If it actually is Saturday, then please disregard the necessity for a tardy excuse and heap praise on him/her for Monday’s early arrival.

My method also works to hold absences to a bare minimum.

1)      Please excuse ____________________ absence yesterday.  He/She had explosive diarrhea that ran us completely out of the house.  Have you ever smelled a town with a paper mill and a skunk preserve?  Kind of like that, only worse.

2)      Please excuse ____________________ absence yesterday.  After a thorough interrogation and lie detector test by local FBI, he/she was cleared of all suspicion of being a Russian spy.

3)      Please excuse ____________________ absence yesterday.  He/She ate my last Klondike bar and was hiding in his/her closet all day.

4)      Please excuse ____________________ absence yesterday.  He/She had a cereal hangover after eating an entire box of Frosted Flakes doused with chocolate milk.

5)      Please excuse ____________________ absence yesterday.  He/She died from embarrassment about something stupid that happened the previous school day, then had an out-of-body experience where he/she saw all the people that wanted to follow them on Instagram!  It brought him/her back to life.  It’s a miracle!

Which one is your favorite excuse, and what pre-written excuse would you write?  I need to stockpile for the “Senioritis” attacks we expect from Wolfy and Sweet Pea when they return to school in August.

                                                                                                                                                         

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“M” is for Mirror, Mirror – Fat Lady In The Pool

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M

Mirror, Mirror on the wall

Who’s the fattest of them all?

When I was young,

My eyes deceived.

Heavier than I was,

Is what I believed.

 Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Who’s the fattest of them all?

Now that I’m old,

My eyes, they lie

Telling me I’m not plump,

On them I rely.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Who’s the fattest of them all?

Aged or of youth,

My eyes, they fool.

Pictures speak the truth,

               And BMI is cruel.

Forget you mirror……….I’m getting in the pool!!!

“J” is for Just Sayin’

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Yeah, I know I’m a day behind, but give me a break.  I just came off a 6 day game of Hide-and-Seek and I Spy.

"J" is for Just Sayin'

“J” is for Just Sayin’

Recently, I learned that there are certain individuals who believe I have a super power and I use it for evil manipulation.  That super power is the use of “Vocabulary.”

That’s probably the highest praise my writing has received to date.

You see, to take words and group them in such a way to transfer the author’s thoughts to paper, then transfer from paper to the mind of the reader, without any loss to the original intent, indeed, is an artful and skillful feat.  One could call it manipulation, but most people call it communication.

Maybe I should try my super power at Mickey D’s to score a free apple pie.

“Excuse me, can you watch my mouth while I speak to you.”  [That’s how you activate the super power when you can’t use email.]

Then I’d lick my plump lips, triggering my super-duper Vocabulary power, and say,

“I’m of the recent persuasion that my nutritional needs require the ingestion of sustenance comprising warmed fruit compote wrapped in a baked, flaky tartlet.”

Miss Would-You-Like-Fries-With-That would be mesmerized by my words and would robotically turn to the warming area to grab an apple pie and toss into my bag along with my calorie-laden and cholesterol saturated #8 combo.

A McDonald's apple pie.

Forget using my super power to bring about world peace.  I want an apple pie! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

To be honest, I’m not trying to manipulate anyone.  I simply desire to communicate thoughts utilizing a collection of words designed to convey meaning.   But it appears my multi-syllabic word choices give off the wrong impression.

“Really?  Because I used the word ‘exacerbate’?”

“Yeah.  They think you just make words up.”

I was speechless for 23.5 seconds, which just so happens to be my personal best.

“So you’re telling me

that because I’m literate,

someone believes I’m trying to manipulate them…

with the English language…

THEIR NATIVE TONGUE?”

Granted, text speak has dumbed down our vocabulary but it’s got me a little scared to orate with populaces.  What would they deliberate if I articulated that I was to be matriculated by the university soon?

I asked Chief that question and he said, “Ain’t nobody gonna matriculate you but me!”

Maybe we should encourage more use of Dictionary.com’s Word of the Day app.

Just sayin’.

“Hide-and-Seek” and “I Spy” by Bowls The Cat

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"H" is for Hide-and-Seek

“H” is for Hide-and-Seek

"I" is for I Spy

“I” is for I Spy

***Note from Mama Bread Baker***

Bowls the Cat was found last night at Sonic after he escaped on “D” day. This is some of what he wrote. Chief and I, and all the Crumbsnatchers are happy to have him home.

****************

It’s been six days since Sweet Pea took me for a ride in her snazzy, jazzy car to get a Reese’s Pieces Blizzard from Sonic. Boyfriend2.0 went with her, and I decided it would be fun to play a game of hide-and-seek with them. So, after I got my ice cream I jumped out of her car and hid.

Sweet Pea & Boyfriend2.0 immediately started playing and I barely had time to pick good spot. They found me real quick.

I hate losing, but I figured we had time for Two-Out-Of-Three. So, when they put me back in the car, I jumped out the other door before Boyfriend2.0 could close it, and I hid again.

I know Sweet Pea was having fun because she brought some friends along to play our game. They looked everywhere while I snickered at them from my super-secret hiding spot. Sweet Pea even called Mama Bread Baker and Chief Money Maker to join in the fun. I was thrilled because they hardly ever leave the house.

Just between you and me, those lazy bums could use the exercise, know what I mean?

Anyway, it’s day six and they still haven’t found me. How good am I, huh?

MBB put up all these bright yellow fliers with my picture on it. Cheater. I’ll have to teach her a lesson about integrity when I’m announced the winner of this on-going, tedious game.

I’ll cut her some slack, though, because she was surely trying to one-up CMM. Those two make everything a contest. So tiresome.

The picture she used for the fliers wasn’t my favorite. I’d just eaten and felt all bloated and stuff. I hadn’t even washed my hair yet that day, and obviously, MBB hadn’t vacuumed that rug in weeks.

Bowls Reward

I wish she’d used the one with me and that smelly dog they insist upon calling my “brother.” It showed my best side, if I do say so myself. Hint…it’s my butt.

So I’m just sitting here, shellacking, waiting for MBB and her new friend, Beth, to come back and play the game today. They’ve been coming every day. A couple times they tried to trick me by coming out at night, but I’m not falling for that. No way, Guadalupe!

I did start to feel sorry for them, so I decided to help them out a little. I let the Sonic manager see me this morning. Then he called MBB and her new friend, Beth.

“I’m 99% sure it’s him,” he said.

Geez, you would think for as long as I sat there he’d be a 100% sure. Humans. No confidence whatsoever.

So now MBB’s brought a new friend to help her out. MBB called her Colleen and told her that she’d been married to Chief for 2 years today and all she wants is to win this game.

I should probably give up. I’m so much smarter than my people. If I wait until they actually find me, I’ll grow gray in the whiskers and I don’t really want to live at Sonic forever–no matter how good their Blizzards are!

Sweet Pea and her friends gave up a couple of hours ago. MBB and Colleen haven’t spotted me yet. Now here comes CMM. He’s got the flashlight and he’s checking all around.

Awwww, man. Beth just opened some deliciously smelly mackrel.

preppin' bait... yum.

preppin’ bait… yum. (Photo credit: tiny.tussle)

That’s a low blow. How am I supposed to resist that? Ok, ok. I give.

I’m tired anyway. It’s time to go home.

Very tired Kitty-Boy after 6 days of Hide-and-Seek

Very tired Kitty-Boy after 6 days of Hide-and-Seek

Strange Disease Excuses to Use When You Miss Bunco…or Work!

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I’ve committed THE cardinal sin among women.  I missed a Friday night Bunco group where I was to serve as a sub, and death was not my reason.  This faux paus shelved my dreams of being inaugurated as the newest member of this elite society.

English: Four coloured 6 sided dice arranged i...

Our dice aren’t colored.  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I wish I’d had a better reason for missing, like Dipsomania, but then again most Bunco group members suffer from that anyway.

[Editor’s note:  A complete description of all mentioned diseases is included at the bottom of this post]

The texts started coming in at 7:05 pm.  I didn’t see them until well after 9:00 pm, and then it took almost an hour before I could recover from the embarrassment enough to respond.  During that time, I ran through my options.

I could explain my absence by stating a family member had permanently logged out of Lifebook.  But despite the fact it wasn’t true, I feared living with years of guilt if the person I chose for their untimely demise actually DID demise.  I contemplated putting the blame on a sick crumbsnatcher, but much like the first excuse, I was petrified one would actually get sick.  Then I’d spend the next few days yelling at them to keep their filthy germs in their filthy rooms where they belong.

I browsed strange diseases that might come and go fleetingly, leaving no signs of previous illness.  Saturday Night Palsy wouldn’t do since it was too closely related to Dipsomania.  I couldn’t go with Lanchonophobia because I was pretty sure at least two people saw me munching on carrots at the last Bunco gathering.

Carrot diversity

Carrot diversity (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’d composed a text with an apology and an explanation that I was suffering from Jumping Frenchmen of Maine which could cause me to injure another player.  Plus we’d only have spent the whole night retrieving the dice from the backyard, and who would find that fun?  Chief nixed that excuse pretty quickly reminding me that I was already known in the area as the “Hoochie-Mama who passed out on the bank in her heels at a Catfish Rodeo  at 7:00 am in the morning.”

Yeah, I did that right after a bout with Saturday Night Palsy…on a Friday.

If I were a Downtown Abbey watcher, I could have gotten by with an explanation of Empirism.

“What about Formication?” I asked Chief.

“I’m all for it, but I’m not sure the Bunco group would buy it, since you already hinted in your blog that my night is the first Tuesday of every month.”

“Oh yeah.  Maybe I shouldn’t be so honest in my blog, huh?”

Being the brilliant man that Chief Money Maker is, he finally suggested I go with the truth.  So I did.  I admitted that I’d gotten caught up in my writing and totally forgot that it was even Friday night.  Then I added this text in hopes that I would be given a Tosh.0 chance at redemption:

“And just so you know…As a writer I could have come up with a much better story but thought it best to stick to the truth as lame as it is.”

In hindsight, I should have added that I’d be willing to come next month and the group could give me Slapped-Face Disease.  But then again, I hear it itches like crazy and I just recovered from a bad case of Yeuk.

 

*Disease Definitions from Inherently Funny

http://www.inherentlyfunny.com/cat-55-funny_diseases.html

  1. Dipsomania – An uncontrollable craving for alcohol.
  2. Empirism – An awful affliction brought on by watching too much BBC; usually manifests in a British accent and a sudden craving for tea
  3. Formication – A hallucinated sensation that insects or snakes are crawling over your skin.
  4. Jumping Frenchmen of Maine – A sufferer of this disease displays highly exaggerated movements, and tend to leap out wildly. And despite the unusual name, it really exists.
  5. Lanchonophobia – The fear of vegetables.
  6. Saturday Night Palsy – Caused by nerve compression when you pass out in an awkward position.
  7. Slapped-Face Disease – It’s an actual disease. It looks like you have been slapped everywhere, and it itches like crazy.
  8. Yeuk – 15th century Middle English word used by the Scots meaning “to itch”. When not used as a verb, it is may be used to identify a particular sensation, i.e. the irritation of nerve endings in skin or mucous membrane that provokes the desire to scratch oneself silly if alone or look for a speedy exit if one is in mixed company. It’s also a popular name for the parasitic disorder “scabies”