“Y” is for: Y Weren’t U @ Skool – 10 Pre-Written Excuses for Teenaged Tardiness/Absence

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Y

I’m a night owl, except for the nights when I go to bed with the sun.  I’m an early riser, except for the days when I snooze until the McDonald’s menu changes from breakfast to lunch. Basically, I’m saying I’m inconsistent.

And because of that, I don’t get up to see the crumbsnatchers off to school.  Knowing that teenagers will take advantage of opportunities afforded by lazy parents, I think ahead.  At the start of each semester, I prepare notes the crumbsnatchers can choose from if they decide they don’t want to take responsibility to get their drowsy derrieres to school on time.

I realize school is almost out for summer, but here’s a sampling:

1)      Please excuse ____________________ tardiness.  His/Her sheets were so dirty we had to de-flea this morning.  Yes, the sheets.  Not the student, but feel free to check him/her upon arrival.

2)      Please excuse ____________________ tardiness.  He/She was dreaming about unicorns pooping rainbows and butterflies.  I read a lot of Dr. Seuss to him/her before bedtime.

3)      Please excuse ____________________ tardiness.  He/She ate an entire box of Brown Sugar and Cinnamon Pop Tarts before bed and sat up all night tweeting things like “#Poptarts #sugar #high”

4)      Please excuse ____________________ tardiness.  He/She was feeling ill and wanted to stay home but I don’t want their germs so I dragged him/her from under the covers, loaded him/her up with cold meds and sent them on their way.  Three hours ago.

5)      Please excuse ____________________ tardiness.  He/She claimed it was Saturday but I never flipped my calendar and I still say it’s Friday.  If it actually is Saturday, then please disregard the necessity for a tardy excuse and heap praise on him/her for Monday’s early arrival.

My method also works to hold absences to a bare minimum.

1)      Please excuse ____________________ absence yesterday.  He/She had explosive diarrhea that ran us completely out of the house.  Have you ever smelled a town with a paper mill and a skunk preserve?  Kind of like that, only worse.

2)      Please excuse ____________________ absence yesterday.  After a thorough interrogation and lie detector test by local FBI, he/she was cleared of all suspicion of being a Russian spy.

3)      Please excuse ____________________ absence yesterday.  He/She ate my last Klondike bar and was hiding in his/her closet all day.

4)      Please excuse ____________________ absence yesterday.  He/She had a cereal hangover after eating an entire box of Frosted Flakes doused with chocolate milk.

5)      Please excuse ____________________ absence yesterday.  He/She died from embarrassment about something stupid that happened the previous school day, then had an out-of-body experience where he/she saw all the people that wanted to follow them on Instagram!  It brought him/her back to life.  It’s a miracle!

Which one is your favorite excuse, and what pre-written excuse would you write?  I need to stockpile for the “Senioritis” attacks we expect from Wolfy and Sweet Pea when they return to school in August.

                                                                                                                                                         

“J” is for Just Sayin’

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Yeah, I know I’m a day behind, but give me a break.  I just came off a 6 day game of Hide-and-Seek and I Spy.

"J" is for Just Sayin'

“J” is for Just Sayin’

Recently, I learned that there are certain individuals who believe I have a super power and I use it for evil manipulation.  That super power is the use of “Vocabulary.”

That’s probably the highest praise my writing has received to date.

You see, to take words and group them in such a way to transfer the author’s thoughts to paper, then transfer from paper to the mind of the reader, without any loss to the original intent, indeed, is an artful and skillful feat.  One could call it manipulation, but most people call it communication.

Maybe I should try my super power at Mickey D’s to score a free apple pie.

“Excuse me, can you watch my mouth while I speak to you.”  [That’s how you activate the super power when you can’t use email.]

Then I’d lick my plump lips, triggering my super-duper Vocabulary power, and say,

“I’m of the recent persuasion that my nutritional needs require the ingestion of sustenance comprising warmed fruit compote wrapped in a baked, flaky tartlet.”

Miss Would-You-Like-Fries-With-That would be mesmerized by my words and would robotically turn to the warming area to grab an apple pie and toss into my bag along with my calorie-laden and cholesterol saturated #8 combo.

A McDonald's apple pie.

Forget using my super power to bring about world peace.  I want an apple pie! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

To be honest, I’m not trying to manipulate anyone.  I simply desire to communicate thoughts utilizing a collection of words designed to convey meaning.   But it appears my multi-syllabic word choices give off the wrong impression.

“Really?  Because I used the word ‘exacerbate’?”

“Yeah.  They think you just make words up.”

I was speechless for 23.5 seconds, which just so happens to be my personal best.

“So you’re telling me

that because I’m literate,

someone believes I’m trying to manipulate them…

with the English language…

THEIR NATIVE TONGUE?”

Granted, text speak has dumbed down our vocabulary but it’s got me a little scared to orate with populaces.  What would they deliberate if I articulated that I was to be matriculated by the university soon?

I asked Chief that question and he said, “Ain’t nobody gonna matriculate you but me!”

Maybe we should encourage more use of Dictionary.com’s Word of the Day app.

Just sayin’.

If I’d Drowned The Crumbsnatchers at Birth, I’d Be Out of Prison By Now!

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The teen years are traumatic.  There’s the crying, the mood swings, the feelings of insecurity, the desire to permanently check out of Lifebook.

And that’s when I’m having a good day.

The stress is enough to make even Freud go mad.  Take this  for example:  Sweet Pea’s a teenaged girl.

And by that I mean she’s crazy.

She asked me last week to bring Boyfriend2.0 to her softball game.  Then she sent a text ten minutes after I should have left telling me what time I should leave.  Then she sent another text telling me to come early.  Half-way en route to Boyfriend2.0’s house, she sent another text.

“Don’t come.” 

I called Boyfriend2.0, gave him the scoop, did a U-turn and headed to the house.  Once home, I poured a glass of wine, left it on the counter for Chief Money Maker, grabbed the rest of the bottle and settled down in the recliner just as my phone went off again.

“NVM.  Come.”

I resisted the urge to reply, “Can you chill Sybil?” only because I knew she’d respond with a confused Emoji.

Dazed and Confused

Not an Emoji but sill Dazed and Confused (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Instead I retreated to my favorite hiding spot.  The washing machine.  Trust me, they never look there.

Split Sweet Pea personality aside, we’ve also got another newly-licensed teenaged driver in the house.  And by that I mean our insurance rates have just surpassed the national deficit.

It’s a good thing we live on a corner lot because the streets around our abode look like Harry’s Honda Hacienda, only with less reliable vehicles.

1951 Buick

1951 Buick (Photo credit: Hugo90)

The upside is that with two teen crumbsnatchers out and about on weekend nights, I don’t have to fabricate ways to push Sweet Pea’s curfew up so I can go to bed at 8:30 pm.  Now I feign a headache—instead of admitting my right knee feels like a grenade sporadically exploding because I know CMM will make me go back to Dr. Frankenstein—and leave the watch to him.

Don’t mistake my words for complaining—despite the truth that I am complaining.  Having teenaged crumbsnatchers isn’t all that bad.  As parents of these communication-challenged Cretans, we get fun experiences like debating their anemic critical thinking processes.

“Wolfy, can you run to the grocery store and pick up some milk?”

“Sure, if you give me gas money.”

“You want ME to give YOU gas money to compensate YOU for driving to the store to get milk, which I don’t even drink, in MY VEHICLE?”

“Uhhhhhh, yeah.”

Thank goodness The Eldest has matured to the point that we can hold productive intelligent conversations.  Just the other night he offered great feedback on the cover for my short story, “The Butterfly Wish.”  I felt proud, optimistic, and hopeful.

Right up until he said, “Oh, and you should consider a pen name.  Who names an adult Cheri?”

“Well, I wasn’t an adult when my mother named me!”

“Think about it, Mom.  Would you want to read a book written by Strawberry Johnson?”

“That’s not my name!”

“Ok, so would you want to read a book written by Fruity Thacker?”

“That’s still not my name…but I get it!”

The Crumbsnatchers might not be the brightest baubles on Pinterest, but sometimes…they do make good points.

© 2013 CThacker

Everything You Didn’t Know About Me Before and Wish You Didn’t Know Now

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I love games.  Board games, baseball games, bedroom games, and blogging games.  I like the letter “B” too.  Kind of reminds me of my body shape if you look at me from the side.  I’m still struggling with that whole BMI thing.  (That’s shorthand for “Body Marshmallow Index” for those not up on the medical terminology.”

Anyway, my favorite Fifty Four And A Half friend, Elyse, tagged me for this game.

The Rules:

1. Post these rules. (CHECK)
2. Post a photo of yourself and eleven random facts about you. (CHECK)
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.  (CHECK)
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them. (CHECK)
5. Go to their blog/twitter and let them know they have been tagged. (Be there shortly)

Here’s a picture when I was having a really good day.  You don’t want to see what I look like on days the Crumbsnatchers are driving me insane.

Mama Bread Baker

Now for the eleven facts you didn’t know before and will soon wish you didn’t know now.

  1. I have a huge writer’s crush on author Graham Brown.
  2. I haven’t read any of Graham Brown’s books…yet.
  3. I once stared at Graham Brown for an entire hour at the Killer Nashville Conference.
  4. I was sad to see The Oprah Show end because my dream of sitting on her couch talking about my best-selling novel died with her show.
  5. I was happy to learn Oprah owns her own television network, reviving my dream of sitting on her couch talking about my best-selling novel…maybe with Graham Brown?
  6. I’ll probably suggest “Graham” as a suitable name for my future grandchildren…both male and female.
  7. I occasionally eat graham crackers even though I’m gluten-intolerant.
  8. I use a brown font at my other blog – www.Highway310.com.
  9. Chief Money Maker has banned Teddy Graham’s from our house because I talk to them and pretend they are Graham Brown.
  10.  I follow Graham Brown on Facebook but I’m too shy to “talk” to him.
  11. Chief Money Maker hates Graham Brown.

Here are my answers to Elyse’s questions.

Were you closer to Mom or Dad (if you were spawned by aliens, please explain)  I believe I was standing closer to Mom when the gunshots were fired.  Oh wait…you meant emotionally.  Ummmm, probably Dad since Mom was the one shooting the gun.

There are moments in history that everyone alive at that time remember (for me it was the Kennedy assassination).  What was your first?  Hands down, the first time I licked the creamy center of an Oreo.  I’m sorry, I misunderstood again.  I thought you asked what my first memory was.  So…a moment in history after 1968 that everyone alive at the time remembers.  Hands down, that would have been 1974 when Oreo’s Double Stuff was introduced.

Favorite pet ever  What a timely question.  The Siamese Fighting Fish I got yesterday is my favorite pet ever.  He let me sleep in this morning! 

Funniest quote  “I can’t help but wonder if I’d drowned the crumbsnatchers at birth if I’d be out of prison by now.” – Mama Bread Baker

Best insult you ever delivered and why the recipient deserved it.  “You’re ugly and your Mama dresses you funny,” said to the grout cleaner per instructions to agitate.  It didn’t work very well.

First memory  Obviously that gunshot thing I mentioned in the first question.

What do you dislike most about blogging?  Probably the word “blogging.”  Couldn’t they have come up with something more appealing like “ego-stroking,” or “random strings of words put together after two and half bottles of wine”?

Do your friends/family members read your blog?  Just when they want to eat.  The pantry lock code won’t open unless a blog post is read first.

How would you be using your time right now if you weren’t answering my stupid questions  Easiest one yet…answering the Crumbsnatchers stupid questions.

Your dream job.  Professional wine Judge.

What you expect to be reincarnated as in your next life?  Professional wine Judge.

Eleven Questions My Blogging Friends Will Most Likely Ignore

  1. Do you have a crush on Graham Brown?
  2. Would you go on the Dr. Phil show to discuss an embarrassing family matter?
  3. Do you get the whole Twitter thing?
  4. How often do you Google yourself?
  5. Have you ever gone to jail?  (Please don’t reveal felonies here.  I don’t want to know you that well!)
  6. How often do you look at your crumbsnatchers (or any family member) and wonder if they were somehow switched at birth?
  7. What would you do if you found hordes of cash tucked in coffee cans of an old home you just purchased?
  8. Are you flat-footed?
  9. What’s your Body Marshmallow Index?
  10. Would you tell your best friend you saw his/her mother in a clandestine setting with someone other than his/her father?
  11. How many exercise videos do you own?

Now I’m tagging these folks.  Feel free to play along, but if you don’t it’s okay, because then I think I win although I’m not sure how the winner is determined in this game!

Liz from The Flip Side

Cathy from 5 Minutes for the Frazzled Mom

Karla from Telega Tales

Christie from Outlaw Mama

Ben from Ben’s Bitter Blog

 

 

The Spotlight’s On You! Vol 1:6

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As part of “2013 Means Bigger Better Things”, I promised to showcase a blog posting from one reader every week.  Here’s how YOU can be featured:

  • Subscribe to my blog
  • Follow @MamaBreadBaker on Twitter
  • Like Mama Bread Baker on Facebook
  • Leave a comment on any of my blog postings

Spotlight

The blog I chose for this week was posted by Ben over at Ben’s Bitter Blog where the tag line reads “we make bitter better.”   Ben followed my blog, probably because he’s bitter about how famous and popular my blog is.  But we are tolerant over here at Crumbsnatcher Tales and we accept all races of people, including the bitter.

The blog I chose is titled “I am an Idiot Bitterness.”   I was drawn to the title because 1) I’m married–which is only relevant on those occasions  I’m bitter because I’m no longer single and 2) because I’m a parent–which is only relevant on those occasions I’m bitter because I’m no longer childless.

I am an Idiot Bitterness

by Ben

Some people are good at acting or singing or making art or accounting.  I respect those people for being good at those things.  Except for the accountant.  Why would you want to be good at numbers?  So boorrrinng.  The art of creativity is awesome and people should be appreciated for their art whatever that may be(except you accounting, you aren’t creative).  I am good at a few things.  Being bitter comes to mind, writing, I think I’m pretty good at (except for grammar and words and punctuation.  I know some words, but the dictionary still hides a few…million that I don’t know.)

Click here to read the rest of this post.

Please check back tomorrow when Chief Money Maker responds to my Post Valentine’s Day Analysis.

The Spotlight’s On You! Vol 1:4

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As part of “2013 Means Bigger Better Things”, I promised to showcase a blog posting from one reader every week.  Here’s how YOU can be featured:

  • Subscribe to my blog
  • Follow @MamaBreadBaker on Twitter
  • Like Mama Bread Baker on Facebook
  • Leave a comment on any of my blog postings

Spotlight

The blog I chose for this week was posted by YourOtherMotherHere over at breastfedblog.  She thought my Adam & Eve post was funny.  Thanks for stopping by YourOtherMotherHere.

By YourOtherMotherHere:

Super Bowl Stats

“Hey honey, how’s that sandwich comin’? The game starts in 10 minutes!”  Click here to check out the rest of her post and the funny pictures to go along with it.

Who do YOU think will win the Super Bowl today?  Respond to the poll below.  My money’s on the 49’ers.  Literally.  Like a $150 bucks.

Have a great Sunday everyone!

Karma and Making Your Husband Pay

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“Whooaaaa!  What was that?” the Eldest and Sweet Pea said in unison when my knee made a loud “POP” a few nights ago.

“Just my knee.”

Sweet Pea huffed, “Oh my gosh Mom!  Why don’t you go to bed and get off your knee?”

“Yeah,” agreed The Eldest.  “You know something always happens when Chief is out of town!”

I couldn’t argue.  It’s true.  Catastrophe befalls this household every time he leaves on business.  This time, however, the catastrophe was that I didn’t go with him.

But first, some back story.  January, 2011; I’d had two bunion surgeries in four months, subsequently spending a lot of time working from home with Chief.  One day, I interrupted his incessant pen-clicking with the statement, “Geez!  Isn’t it about time that you go out of town?”

I didn’t realize the strength of my own powers.  He was gone six of the next eight weeks.  I didn’t really want him gone that long.  I’ve since learned to harness the magic.

But in the witchcraft world—which I know nothing about—I imagine that the perpetual “good vs. evil” battle organically balances itself.  That would explain the backlash of my spell; something goes horribly wrong every time Chief travels.

  • The microwave blew up like a nuclear reactor plant.
  • The air conditioning blew during record-breaking heat.
  • Emergency trip to doggie hospital.
  • I blew my knee out.

So after listening to Chief brag about Alabama’s recent umpteenth National Championship—like there wasn’t a person on this planet who didn’t know Alabama would win—I used my “abilities” to send Chief on a quick business jaunt.

Within a few days, Chief got word he was going to California.  (There’s that whole organic balancing thing again.  Yes, I wanted him to go away but not to SUNNY CALIFORNIA in the middle of freaking winter!)

But this time, because I incessantly bugged him about it, Chief found a round-trip flight to California for $301.00 for me.  “We can probably swing that,” he said.  While Sweat Pea and I were out running errands, I was mentally packing my suitcase and working up my “elevator pitch” for a book I’m writing in case I ran into an agent.

Then I got a text.  “It’s going to be too hectic.  Next time.”

Jerk.

I’ve been looking for dishes for the last two years.  I know it seems irrelevant, but stick with me.  I hadn’t been able to find any that I liked…until that day.  Standing in Kroger.  Reading Chief’s text.

$306.00 later—Booyah!  I’ve got a new set of dishes, platters, serving bowls, and place mats.  How’s that for some organic balancing?

Aren't they cute?

Aren’t they cute?

But the Universe wasn’t done messing around with me.  During his trip, Chief texted that he was having drinks at the hotel bar where he just so happened to be chatting up an independent film producer and her husband.  Are you kidding me?

When he called me later that night to insist that Karma was once again on his side, I said.  “Not so fast buddy.  That could have been ME pitching my book idea to her which she would love and, in turn, make into an independent film that would win the Sundance Award!”

Silence.

“Betcha dinner off those new dishes will taste a little different now, huh?”

Subscribe to Crumbsnatcher Tales by entering your email in the box on the right, comment on this blog posting, like it on Facebook, or Follow @MamaBreadBaker on Twitter and you will be qualified for a chance to have your blog showcased Sunday in Mama Bread Baker’s “The Spotlight’s on You!”

© 2013 CThacker