I’ve become the Forrest Gump of our swimming pool. My family stands poolside chanting “Swim, Mama Bread Baker, Swim” while I glide through the water. They do this because I just learned to hold my breath for longer than a nanosecond—and because they wonder who will feed them if I drown.
With my newfound breath holding talent, I’ve decided to train for swimming events in the next Olympic Games. The crumb snatchers said, “Wayyyyy cool. Do they have the Senior Olympics every year?” Their rehabilitation appointments to learn to walk again really cut into my training time.
Chief Money Maker, a former lifeguard and seasoned beach partier, is my trainer. I told Chief to train me just like he would Michael Phelps—only without the marijuana. I’ve learned how to execute the freestyle stroke while simultaneously opening a beer for him. My ultimate goal is to compete in the triathlon, as long as someone else can do the cycling and running part.
In our training sessions we’ve discovered a minor issue we need to work around. My Body Marshmallow Index—or what doctors refer to as BMI—is a bit high. It causes my derriere to act as a flotation device pulling me to the surface. <I like roasted marshmallows, marshmallow crème, marshmallow pie, mini marshmallows, fried marshmallows…..>
On the bright side, the next time the flight attendant tells me I can use my seat cushion as a flotation device, I’ll tell her I brought my own. Now I can also replace my irrational fear of drowning at sea with the more rational fear of being eaten by a shark while I float at sea.
I’ve discovered that swimming is great exercise and burns a lot of calories. For every hour I leisurely swim, my body is burning 556 calories. That’s 76 more calories burned than three cups of wine consumed. At this rate, according to my calculations, I should lose about 1.13 pounds annually, helping to lower my Body Marshmallow Index. <…boiled marshmallows, marshmallow soufflé, marshmallow salad, chocolate marshmallow eggs…>
As always, I’ve used my newfound goals as “teaching moments” for the crumb snatchers. I found something that interests me and I’ve set my sights on the lofty goal of Olympic competition—senior status aside. I’m working hard, training, and dedicating myself to a diet and exercise routine that will help me accomplish those goals. So the “teachable moment” here is that when I’m on my floating raft with a wine glass in hand and I say, “Not now Sweetie…Mommy’s training,” then get the heck inside and leave me alone!
My Mama always said, “Life is like a bottle of wine. Sometimes you can get the cork out, and sometimes you just have to shove it down into the bottle.” That doesn’t really have anything to do with my post. I just couldn’t get my wine bottle opener to work properly. <…marshmallow peeps, marshmallow fudge, marshmallow crispy treats, marshmallow marble cake…>
I hope I’ll be able to keep up my blog posts while vigorously swim training. I’ve asked my trainer to set some new goals for me to keep me motivated. Next week we’ll work on holding my breath UNDER water. <…marshmallow delights, marshmallow tarts…>
© 2012 CThacker
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I am also in training, though working on upper body strength. I find a vigorous workout using the martini shaker does wonders for pool side sessions..
Didn’t know we had so much talent in the Thacker family. A drill bit and a pair of pliers work great for wine corks of course you then have to drain the wine through a coffee filter to get the rubber pieces out of the wine. Had to do this on a camping trip. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Obviously, there is ingenuity and determination in this family as well!!!!
thank you
This post was very entertaining. I had to read it twice. 🙂
You’re not alone with the Body Marshmallow Index but I’m pretty swimming will be a great tool for it. I don’t know how to swim though. Keep it up! 🙂
Thank you! As long as I can keep the wine consumption under the caloric output, then I should be slim and trim by the time I’m 92.
BAHAHAHA!! When i read the title of your post,i was not prepared to find such a hilarious one!!!Great work!
./;/.;’
Oops, that was evil stalker kitty running across my laptop. I was going to delete it, but he seemed to think it was rather important. I’m glad you stopped by!
Oh, this made me laugh! Body Marshmallow Index!
Although having a high Body Marshmallow Index does have the flotation advantages, my Dr. reminded me that it is NOT a joking matter. With a higher BMI, I’m subject to being mistaken as an acceptable mate for that giant Michelin man!
You need to learn how to float and swim on your back. Then you can balance your laptop on your tummy and keep your blogs up to date.
Maybe use a couple of air-filled wine boxes to support your head so you can see the screen.
That’s ingenious! And those little Sunset Blush boxes are just so darned cute!
Fabulously hilarious, and oh so true for a dieting anyone. Right now I am fighting a wheat belly and may even try your idea of training for the Olympics. Great job!
your writing is absolutely hilarious! 🙂
Do you mind checking out my website, its extremely new and your feedback would mean the world to me 🙂
Thanks!!
Grat post. I feel the same when I exercise. I love the cat wine opener. Need to get me one of those.
Crap. Meant great.
Thank you!
didn’t understand any of it cos i’m just a kid, but i can see (looking at the comments) that it’s really good! And I would probably think that if i understood it! 🙂
Well thank you for reading. Here’s a version adapted for younger readers:
I’m learning to swim, I have a big behind, and I like to drink wine. 🙂
Womans in training eats sharks ???
🙂
I had shark once…tasted like chicken. 🙂
UR Killing me Cousin!
RTSC
It’s all Chief Money Maker’s fault…at least that’s what Jimmy Buffet says.
Just lovvvvvve your writing, so funny! 🙂
Thank you. 🙂
This is hilarious! I can’t swim but I can dive, I can’t float myself. 😛 Basically, i cant swim. Fun to see someone able to do something that I am yet to succeed. Love the marshmallows!
Thank you. If you can’t float, you obviously have a very low Body Marshmallow Index. Have some Marshmallow Peeps and see if it helps!
Actually, since fat is less dense than muscle, Olympic swimmers actually fatten up a bit, so they can float easier. Michael Phelps actually eats 12,000 calories in one day!
I love the “life is like a bottle of wine” quote! Thanks for sharing,
Cheers!
Courtney Hosny
Cheers to you…and may your wine bottle opener always work! If not, now you know what to do.
Lol hilarious post! “Body Marshmallow Index” <—my favorite part!
I had a BMI before having a BMI was cool. Thank you for reading!
Last night, I drank wine from a box. For the first time. EVER. So I have a HUGE appreciation for the fact that you referenced “three cups of wine” in this post. I realize that was probably “cups” for the sake of actual, you know, measurement…but still, I felt I had a kindred wine-soaked spirit in my midst. Because yes, I drank wine. From a box. In a cup.
I’m ALL class…
Yes, I did drink it from a cup. It also had a lid and a straw to keep the pool water from contaminating it. I make a lot of sacrifices for my training, my kindred wine-soaked spirit friend.
Omg – i’m dying. Waaaay funny!!!! Love the marshmallows, now training to breathe UNDER water, and pushing the cork down into the bottle even though that has nothing to do with your post. And the training with wine on the raft. Ya gotta be looking in my window! That’s talent.
Cathy
Thank you! I’ve found a Chardonnay-Riesling blend works best, but will switch to Merlot for winter training. 🙂
If Mama B is like me, she drinks from disposable cups bc I’m not gonna wash a wine glass.